Ogden Nash Quotes (146 Quotes)

Stuyvesant chats with Kelly and Katz, The professor warms to the broker, And life is good in the brotherhood Of an air-conditioned smoker

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?

Here lies my past. Good-bye I have kissed it Thank you, kids. I wouldn't have missed it.

A bit of talcum; Is always walcum.

I prefer to forget both pairs of glasses and pass my declining years saluting strange women and grandfather clocks.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Some people's money is merited; And other people's is inherited.

Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy, You've had about seven hours' sleep since Friday, No wonder you feel that lost sensation You're sunk from a riot of relaxation.

One would be in less danger From the wiles of the stranger If ones own kin and kith Were more fun to be with.

I name no name, but hell's own flame
Illumes the lobby garish,
A gilded snare just off Times Square
For the maidens of the parish.

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions Is by their actions.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but Im afraid its heading in the wrong direction.

You scour the Bowery, ransack the Bronx, Through funeral parlors and honky-tonks. From river to river you comb the town; For a place to lay your family down.

The hands of the clock were reaching high
In an old midtown hotel;
I name no name, but its sordid fame
Is table talk in hell.

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

Don't over-analyze your marriage it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.

In the words of the poet, When Duty whispers low, Thou must, this erstwhile youth replies, I just can't

An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for, Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks.

The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.

A cough is something that you yourself can't help, but everybody else does on purpose just to torment you.

Good wine needs no bush, And perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not; Look at pot.

Though you know it anyhow
Listen to me, darling, now,
Proving what I need not prove
How I know I love you, love.

Some tortures are physical and some are mental, but the one that's both is dental.

Home is heaven and orgies are vile; But you need an orgy, once in a while.

I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, But I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.

When I remember bygone days
I think how evening follows morn;
So many I loved were not yet dead,
So many I love were not yet born.

No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, Their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed.

I myself am more and more inclined to agree with Omar and Satchel Paige as I grow older Don't try to rewrite what the moving finger has writ, and don't ever look over your shoulder.

They take the paper and they read the headlines.. So they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread-lines. And they philanthropically cure them all By getting up a costume charity ball.

I have a bone to pick with Fate Come here and tell me, girlie, Do you think my mind is maturing late, Or simply rotting early.

Whether elected or appointed; He considers himself the Lord's annointed, And indeed the ointment lingers on him; So thick you can't get your fingers on him.

What chills the finger not a bit; Is so frigid upon the fundament.

The further through life I drift; The more obvious it becomes that I am lacking in thrift.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.

Silly girl, silver girl,
Draw the mirror toward you;
Time who makes the years to whirl
Adorned as he adored you.

The camel has a single hump; The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around. I'm never sure. Are you.

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

My dreams, I fear, are infanticiddle.