Man is a victim of dope; In the incurable form of hope.
Middle-aged life is merry, and I love to lead it.
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.
We thought our little dog would love him,
Would help him to become a trig dog,
But the new little dog got bigger,
And the old little dog got mad.
Oh, Night will not see thirty again,
Yet soft her wing, Miranda;
Pick up your glass and tell me, then--
How old is Spring, Miranda?
Basketball, a game which won't be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus-high and return the giraffes to the zoo.
Good morning, Isabel, the giant said,
I'll grind your bones to make my bread.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
Linguistics becomes an ever eerier area, like I feel like Im in Oz, Just trying to tell it like it was.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
Then here's to the heartening wassail, Wherever good fellows are found Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around
In real life, it takes only one to make a quarrel.
From outer space, or lost Atlantis?
You can take it as understood that your luck changes only if it's good
Women would rather be right than reasonable.
Indoors or out, no one relaxes; In March, that month of wind and taxes, The wind will presently disappear, The taxes last us all the year.
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
Bankers Are Just Like Anybody Else, Except Richer.
O misery, misery, mumble and moan!
A lady is known by the product she endorses.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Some primal termite knocked on wood and tasted it, and found it good. That is why your Cousin May fell through the parlor floor today.
Maybe I couldn't be dafter, But I keep wondering if this time we settle our differences before a war instead of after.
Time is timelessness for you;
Calendars for the human;
What's a year, or thirty, to
Loveliness made woman?
The turtle lives twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile.
The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.
I entered your door as an honored guest.
I have a bone to pick with Fate.
And smeared like brine on a slavering swine,
Starr Faithful, once so fair,
Drawn from the sea to her debauchee,
With the salt sand in her hair.
Too clever is dumb.
Someone invented the telephone, And interrupted a nation's slumber, Ringing wrong but similar numbers
Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as a legislature, Sleep is as forward as hives or goiters, And where it is least desired, it loiters.
The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.
Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways.
Here is a pen and here is a pencil, Here's a typewriter, here's a stencil, Here is a list of today's appointments, And all the flies in all the ointments, The daily woes that a man endures --Take them, George, they're yours.
When life is extinct each corpse is linked
To its gibbering murderer,
As a chicken is bound with wire around
The neck of a killer cur.
I dreamt that my hair was kempt.
Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
If I could but spot a conclusion, I should race to it.
There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.
Beneath this slab; John Brown is stowed. He watched the ads, And not the road.
The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig.
When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez.
So remember, friend, as your way you wend,
That it would have happened to you,
But I turned the heat on Pinball Pete;
You see - I had a daughter, too!
How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are One day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick How did I get so old so quick.
More Ogden Nash Quotations (Based on Topics)
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