Lewis Black Quotes (18 Quotes)

I'm going to make my transition to weatherman soon,

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER'

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

I'm just so looking forward to seeing Dick Cheney because it's like the sighting of a rare white elk when he shows up. And I don't even think it's Dick Cheney anymore. We see him so rarely ... that I think he may be my old shop teacher.

If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Why would you hire MTV to do music MTV has nothing to do with music, ok MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where In your eye, music goes in your ear. Ear eye, eye ear, big fing difference Music is like a drug, when you hear it you have a vision, and that vision can change over time or remain the same.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!