Joseph Heller Quotes (91 Quotes)


    Colonel Cathcart was impervious to absolutes. He could measure his own progress only in relationship to others, and his idea of excellence was to do something at least as well as all the men his own age who were doing the same thing even better.


    Someone had to do something sometime. Every victim was a culprit, every culprit a victim, and somebody had to stand up sometime to try to break the lousy chain of inherited habit that was imperiling them all.

    When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering.

    Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective.


    It made him proud that 29 months in the service had not blunted his genius for ineptitude.


    Yossarian marveled that children could suffer such barbaric sacrifice without evincing the slightest hint of fear or pain. He took for granted that they did submit so stoically. If not, he reasoned, the custom would certainly have died, for no craving for wealth or immortality could be so great, he felt, as to subsist on the sorrow of children.

    Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

    I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long.

    I think in every country that there is at least one executive who is scared of going crazy.

    Catch22 specified that a concern for one's safety . . . was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask, and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions.

    Well, maybe it is true, maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one.

    I think that in every company today there is always at least one person who is slowly going crazy.

    He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.

    And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways', Yossarian continued 'There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements Why in the world did He ever create pain.


    Lots of people who complained about us receiving the MBE received theirs for heroism in the war - for killing people. We received ours for entertaining other people. I'd say we deserve ours more.

    He was polite to his elders, who disliked him. Whatever his elders told him to do, he did. They told him to look before he leaped, and he always looked before he leaped. They told him never to put off until the next day what he could do the day before, an.

    There was only one catch and that was Catch-22. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.

    When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as "Catch-22" I'm tempted to reply, "Who has?"


    I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any.

    A large part of the public sentiment was my own, ... They saw an absurd quality, a mendacious quality in many of our political leaders and business leaders.

    Peace on earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it.


    He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.

    Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

    (CNN) -- Everyone in my book accuses everyone else of being crazy, ... Frankly, I think the whole society is nuts -- and the question is What does a sane man do in an insane society

    The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.


    But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents.

    He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

    We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.

    I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

    I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private individuals.

    Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

    Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.

    Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else.

    Hungry Joe collected lists of fatal diseases and arranged them in alphabetical order so that he could put his finger without delay on any one he wanted to worry about.

    Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.


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