If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Whenever there's a new baby in my family, even if I don't know who the father is, I display pictures of it. But only one or two per child. No one wants to see 37 pictures of your grandchild - which is also why you must never carry more than one picture of each grandchild in your wallet.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Your anger can be 49 and your comedy 51 , and you're okay. If the anger is 51 , the comedy is gone.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Never floss with a stranger.
Calling him a son of a b, ... Don't you dare call me a racist I want an apology from you.
Get a pet, an animal you will love and one that will love you in return. In your home, there should be something besides the rugs to take care of. Get a pet that will stain those rugs and you'll have a happier home.
I thought she looked sensational. She was going with her own drummer. A lot of them look like cookie-cutters now and they're all the same look, the same dress. The ones that are so wonderful are the ones that absolutely wear things that nobody else can wear.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I was not a pretty child. I developed humor to be accepted.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
But she was closer to her mother. I adored my mother. She was very formal and proper, but she was so full of fun when you got to know her. ... Because she was really like me, without the cover. You know when you take the shell off a tortoise There's my mother. I live a lot the way she lived. I have a very formal home and my daughter was brought up strictly and all that.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
He is so short, he may be here today. Look under the tables.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
It's very important, and if it's the child, no matter how prepubescent or ugly it is, you always say, 'Don't you look great' You speak to the child even if the face is a pizza.
God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
I had seven years of struggle, really bad years, ... I once slept in my car for a week and washed at the YWCA.
I'm Jewish. It don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over he'd have put diamonds on the floor.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
a good actress with real pathos.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
How could she not be happy She was tall, thin, gorgeous and rich, rich, rich, with a husband who didn't want to sleep with her, two normal children and she had a crown.
We all started on his show, ... Every solid comedian today really got their break on the Carson show.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly hurt, bitterness, grief, and, mostof all, fear.
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass
Once you begin to believe there is help out there, you will know it to be true.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
More Joan Rivers Quotations (Based on Topics)
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