Jay London Quotes (42 Quotes)

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Virgo, and a real Virgo. Nit picky, cranky, cantankerous, fidgety, neurotic. All of the above, but that's good.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where is the Bath section I say 'It's Beyond Me'.

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

I was born nine months premature.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed She said one pig in the blanket was enough.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

You know what burns me? Matches.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.

I model irregular clothing.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I saw a stationery store move.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I had a very lonely New Year's this year, I had to watch my own balls drop.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.