Groucho Marx Quotes (136 Quotes)

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

I wouldnt want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Dont ever underestimate the importance of money. I know its often been said that money wont make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, its a lovely thing to have around the house.

Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I don't care to join and club that's prepared to have me as a member.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour which is probably more than she ever did.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.