George Carlin Quotes (104 Quotes)

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,Read People Magazine your whole life... Take a freakin' chance

One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

When you stress individualism, as this country does materialism, as this country does personal weaponry, as this country does and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved -- to teach it, probably, ... Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there ... a good language gene, which I inherited from my mother and grandfather and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Writing books isnt a drastic departure from writing for the stage,

If youre reading it in a book, folks, it aint self-help. Its help.

Always do whatever's next.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.

I'm having fun because I don't take it (life) seriously - the only things I care about are my family, friends, work and my lady, Sally. Philosophers for a long time have said 'why are we here' - I'm here for the entertainment. If you're born in the world, you're given a ticket to the freak show if you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.