Fred Allen Quotes (67 Quotes)

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

California is a great place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

A vice president in an advertising agency is a molehill man who has until 5 PM to make a molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.