I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard let him worry about cutting it.
He's a fine fellow. I've known him a long time. I say they'll never catch him.
After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
Batten, Barton, Durstine Osborne sounds like a trunk falling down a flight of stairs.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
I had to come out one more time to take a look. I had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time out here. Our kids grew up out here.
Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
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Tina Fey - Robin Williams - Ben Stiller - Steven Wright - Rowan Atkinson - Paul Reiser - Jennifer Saunders - Janeane Garofalo - Hugh Laurie - Dan Aykroyd