Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
The 3 questions of greatest concern are, 1) Is it attractive, 2) Is it amusing, 3) Does it know its place.
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
Polite conversation is rarely either.
In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let's Make a Deal
Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.
Children ask better questions than adults. May I have a cookie Why is the sky blue and What does a cow say are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than Where's your manuscript Why haven't you called and Who's your lawyer
Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.
I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.
A salad is not a meal. It is a style.
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.
I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?
Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
More Fran Lebowitz Quotations (Based on Topics)
Children - Books - Success - Telephones - Life - Animals - Place - Food - Woman - Nature - Teens - Facts - Love - World - Death & Dying - Opinions - Fame - Mind - Contemplation - View All Fran Lebowitz Quotations
Peter Jennings - Pat Buchanan - Naomi Klein - John Oxenham - John Chancellor - Ed Turner - Douglas Reed - Bob Woodward - Arianna Huffington - Andrew Tobias