Fran Lebowitz Quotes (79 Quotes)


    Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

    The 3 questions of greatest concern are, 1) Is it attractive, 2) Is it amusing, 3) Does it know its place.

    Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.


    In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.


    If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

    Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

    There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

    If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let's Make a Deal

    Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

    Children ask better questions than adults. May I have a cookie Why is the sky blue and What does a cow say are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than Where's your manuscript Why haven't you called and Who's your lawyer

    Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

    The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

    If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

    Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.

    If you're going to America, bring your own food.

    Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

    I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

    Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

    Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

    Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

    Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

    Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

    Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

    Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

    Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.


    If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

    I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

    Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

    I often used to say, the more parties there were for a book, the worse the book was.

    Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

    No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

    Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

    . . .to me the outdoors is what you have to pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

    I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

    My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

    Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.


    The word Lady Most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.

    Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.

    Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house

    Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

    I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

    Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.

    Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

    Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word ''collectible'' as a

    Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

    You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.



    More Fran Lebowitz Quotations (Based on Topics)


    Children - Books - Telephones - Success - Opinions - Life - Animals - Place - Food - Woman - Teens - Nature - Facts - Love - World - Death & Dying - Cows - Future - Speech - View All Fran Lebowitz Quotations

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