Eddie Izzard Quotes (42 Quotes)

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy and the Romans thought, Relaxed and groovy No, no, no, no, no So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me It's got nothing to do with it, has it

And you dont get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office they have other people there, you can flirt, you know You go, Hey Oh, youre new here, arent you How are you getting on Do you want a coffee I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cupBeekeepers cant do that 2,000 bees (buzzing sounds) Hello, there, you in the street Youre new, arent you(scared) HuhDo you want a cup of coffee Its no problem (buzzing continues) No real problemI dont want a cup of coffee from you Youre covered in beesI like my women like I like my coffee covered in bees Now back off, back off (screams)Theyre always just behind you or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and theyre in a van with a lot of bees following, Faster Faster (buzzing sounds) Faster Put your foot down(sighs) Yes

Tea and cake or death...students with beards 'tea and cake or death, tea and cake or death...little red cookbook, little red cookbook.'

I'm a one-man idiot.

Theres a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didnt say, I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out d

Because that's what narcissism is all about looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'

He was a genius. To think all these years on his comedy is still making us laugh

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

And the National Rifle Association says that, Guns don't kill people, people do, but I think the gun helps, you know I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, Bang That's not going to kill too many people, is it You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that

PiAno,piAno'It's not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. Thats Renaissance, FRENCH for re-birth. Re-nais-sance. And thats why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of FrItaly.

But puberty was well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

Its a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, What- what happened What did they do What do they do here And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5 7, 8, you know A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope

Cause, Cake or death That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that. Cake or death; Eh, cake please. Very well Give him cake; Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice. You Cake or death; Uh, cake for me, too, please. Very well Give him cake, too We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You Cake or death; Uh, death, please. No, cake Cake Cake, sorry. Sorry... You said death first, uh-uh, death first; Well, I meant cake; Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England Cake or death.

I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in. - I claim India for BritainThey go, - You can't claim us, we live here 500 million of us- Do you have a flag- We don't need a bloody flag It's our country, you bastards- No flag, no country, you can't have one That's the rules that I've just made up, and I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Association.

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there.

But with dogs, we do have bad dog. Bad dog exists. Bad dog Bad dog Stole a biscuit, bad dog The dog is saying, Who are you to judge me You human beings whove had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit Is that a crime People of the worldWell, if you put it that way, I think youve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin I poked a badger with a spoon.

Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok Because it's true Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.

And theres others like taxidermist You cant just go, Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand, you know Youve gotta want to be I want to be a taxidermist I wanna fill animals with sand. (mimes stuffing an animal) I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so its really quite tight.

Mock singing And shall my sword sleep in my hand Speaking NOT a good idea, youre gonna roll over and cut your bits off.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

You killed a hundred thousand people You must get up very early in the morning I can't even get down the gym

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

So my choice is 'Or Death'.

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And

I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago And people were going, No, surely not, no. No one was alive then

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it its a sort of detective thing, but its really true, you know its there But its kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, Weve been here three weeks on live television, and weve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far Theres men with brushes and beards maybe theyve just got beards, Im not sure We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so were very excited

Eddie Izzard Dress to Kill.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mar

And they always find in archeology a series of small walls. Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. Weve found a series of small walls, were very excited I think this proves they had walls in olden days. They were very small, and a series of small wall people. And then someone comes along, very learned, with glasses, Of course, the king and queen entertained here 1,500 courtiers, and there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants dancing hopscotch over there A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks and aqueducts into a heater And youre just watching, and going, Youre making this up, mate Youre just pointing at a series of small walls, going, there, there Tutankhamen playing banjo in there Dont know if its true.

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was Nods head. Coz he questioned everything When is a house a house Just chill-out will you If Im out of the house am I chilling-out Am I chilling-in if Im in the house Ugg, ahhh. Sword stabbing dying mime. What is a sword Is it made of folded metal' Wobbly knees. 'If I die on the floor can I get up in these heels

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for.

ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread I've got a French loaf. Bye I love you

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.