Dennis Miller Quotes (51 Quotes)

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

Childbirth is a wonderful thing, but the reality is that it can dramatically change a woman's body. SUI occurs when the vaginal wall weakens and cannot provide adequate support to the urethra, thus causing leaking. The good news is that women with SUI have many different treatment options available to them.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.

A recent conversation Dubya Look at the clock, time is racing Cheney That's the second hand, George.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

He admitted this was stupid. It's a very serious offense. I wouldn't consider it a prank. ... It could have turned into something that caused far more injury, and even death, than it did.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn't make his bones laying down for punks...

If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.

I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to usher the program through its early stages of growth. For 10 years I have approached my responsibilities with pride and with passion. It has been a tremendous experience to work with our amazing student-athlet

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

My interest is that there has to be some funding source in perpetuity that could maintain the land in Town Center.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

This is our first branch in Birmingham and we're looking forward to it, ... It's a nice community and we wanted to locate a branch there.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Technology is fine. . ., but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans -- you know the answer before I say it -- that's not good.

German reunification I view this in much the same way I view a possible Dean Martin - Jerry Lewis reconciliation I never really enjoyed their work, and I'm not sure I need to see any of their new stuff

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign 'Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things -- first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for 19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

If you get to be thirty-five and your job still involves wearing a name tag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

I lapsed into rude.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

I rant, therefore I am.

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.