Demetri Martin Quotes (19 Quotes)

    Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

    A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

    I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

    I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

    I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

    I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

    If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

    People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

    My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

    Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

    The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

    A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

    I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

    I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

    Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

    If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

    I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

    More Demetri Martin Quotations (Based on Topics)

    People - Sports - Honesty & Integrity - Danger & Risk - Abilities - Woman - Letters - Dogs - Cars - Swimming - Name - Hell - Computers & Technology - Time - View All Demetri Martin Quotations

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