Dane Cook Quotes (36 Quotes)


    Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

    I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

    I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

    You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

    Start each day out the holy way.. with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH.... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful'



    If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

    I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

    When Napster first hit, I had a Web site at the time, so I said, 'I'm going to take 20 clips from my first CD and I'll put them under comedy and jokes, and see what happens,'

    Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

    It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

    Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

    I think there's a definite template for what can be done for the future, but I'm not going to call myself a trailblazer. It didn't seem like a big idea to me Let people know you appreciate their loyalty, and you say thank you. I was just doing what those punk bands did with fliers. Stand on the corner and say 'Come check us out.' Instead of fliers, it was going to be instant messages and e-mails.

    One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.

    I'm practically crying between takes every day, we're laughing so hard.

    I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

    I never wanted to be pigeonholed as one style of comedy. I want to be the kind of person you have a random back-and-forth with at a party. So that if you go to my show I could take irreverent, I could take subtle, I could take slapstick - pretty much anything I could think of that would be entertaining - and my audience would be with me.

    I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

    A lot of comics are kind of vampire types we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

    I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

    When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

    In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

    It was Peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful EYE

    I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.


    I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

    My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

    This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

    An example People want to be remembered for great things, such as contributing to humanity, he says. Not him. I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

    I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff, ... They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'

    I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

    That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

    I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

    I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

    I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

    Whatever you need. I'm here for you.


    More Dane Cook Quotations (Based on Topics)


    Jokes & Humor - Laughter - People - Time - Comedy - Youth - Actions - Home - Fire - Politics - Drugs - Night - Charity - Morning - Life - Astronomy & Cosmology - Humanity - War & Peace - Future - View All Dane Cook Quotations

    Related Authors


    Tina Fey - Jerry Seinfeld - Groucho Marx - Ellen DeGeneres - Chris Rock - Billy Crystal - Steven Wright - Frank Carson - Drew Carey - Al Yankovic


Authors (by First Name)

A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M
N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - X - Y - Z

Other Inspiring Sections