Andy Rooney Quotes (53 Quotes)


    All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

    The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

    Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves

    The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

    I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?


    The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

    Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

    The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

    Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

    As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

    When a politician mentions God half a dozen times in a speech, it's to appropriate for his campaign the name God. He's suggesting that God has endorsed the ticket and given permission to have His name used in promotional material in exchange for certain considerations, like school prayer. There are lots of cheap tricks used in political campaigns, and evoking God's name is one of them.

    The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

    There are sixteen cans of coffee here together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating

    Don't pin much hope on the mail, and when the phone rings don't expect anyone wonderful to be calling

    I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

    Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

    Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

    Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

    People like to say, You're only as old as you feel, but it isn't true. It's just something old people say to make themselves feel good about their age. You're as old as you are.

    Do you think there's any possibility you could get CBS management to split your salary up amongst the rest of us

    The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

    I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

    Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

    I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

    If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

    Don't give it to Katie. Give it to a bunch of reporters and make CBS News the best news operation in the world.

    Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

    It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often, and that passes for good on television.

    Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

    Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

    I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

    People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.


    I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who think they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

    It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.

    When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

    Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts an

    The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

    Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

    Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

    We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it.

    If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.

    Democrats (I think to myself) are liberals who believe the people are basically good, but that they need government help to organize their lives. They believe in freedom so fervently that they think it should be compulsory. They believe that the poor and ignorant are victims of an unfair system and that their circumstances can be improved if we give them help. Republicans (I think to myself) are conservatives who think it would be best if we faced the fact that people are no damned good. They think that if we admit that we have selfish, acquisitive natures and then

    The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

    Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

    We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. We're living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.

    The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

    We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

    I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

    If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.


    More Andy Rooney Quotations (Based on Topics)


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    Related Authors


    Walter Duranty - Walter Cronkite - Tom Wolfe - Thomas Friedman - Kin Hubbard - Jack Anderson - David Attenborough - Bob Woodward - Art Buchwald - Arianna Huffington


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