Ambrose Bierce Quotes (876 Quotes)

PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.

LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination ...

SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer ...

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids.

HEART, n. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments .... It is now known that sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid.

PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.

Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager.

Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity.

NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

TRUCE, n. Friendship.

PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.

WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed.

SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it.

PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians who are Hogmies.

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

LOGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge.

GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.

IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.

REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned .... whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.

CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep.

PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.

LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.

Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.

OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.

IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but 'pervades and regulates the whole'.

RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.

MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government.

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal assentive.

RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to this lexicographer unknown.