Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
More Quotes from Demetri Martin:A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
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Not everyone grows to be old, but everyone has been younger than he is now.
In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself.