So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
More Quotes from Mitch Hedberg:
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.Mitch Hedberg
COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
Mitch Hedberg
Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.'
Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...
Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
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Joseph Addison
The fixed stars signify the angel in man. That is why man orients himself by them; and that is why women have no appreciation for the starry sky; because they have no sense of the angel in man.
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If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little things they only print your thumbs.
Bugs Baer