I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.Demetri Martin
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
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I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
Demetri Martin
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Each had defended his own country; the Germans Germany, the Frenchmen France; they had done their duty.Ernst Toller
Even if I think in English, it's more a language of acting than French.
Sophie Marceau
In Venezuela, with Chavez, is really an incredible revolution - a democratic revolution. To begin to put in place things that are going to have an impact on the people of Venezuela. The property owners and the folks who then controlled the media in Venezuela rebelled - worked, frankly, with folks here in the U.S. government - worked to oust him. But he came back with another revolution, and then Chavez began to take very seriously the media in his country. And we've had complaints about this ever since.
Mark Lloyd