When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
More Quotes from Emo Philips:
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips
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I haven't actually spoken to my parents since the hurricane.
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The fears of one class of men are not the measure of the rights of another.
George Bancroft