HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For pleasure's highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims Perpetual repairing. So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before the throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue. So great, Said they, are the demands of state A tithe of all that we collect Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect How, if one-tenth we must resign, Can we exist on t'other nine The monarch asked them in reply; Has it occurred to you to try The advantage of economy; It has, the spokesman said we sold All of our gray garrotes of gold With plated-ware we now compress The necks of those whom we assess. Plain iron forceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy Who hoards, with greed that never tires, That which your Majesty requires. Deep lines of thought were seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. Your state is desperate, no question Pray favor me with a suggestion. O King of Men, the spokesman said, If you'll impose upon each head A tax, the augmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide with you. As flashes of the sun illume The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, The king smiled grimly. I decree That it be so --and, not to be In generosity outdone, Declare you, each and every one, Exempted from the operation Of this new law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they're bound and you are free,'Twere well some clever scheme were laid By you this poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while you confer With my most trusted minister. The monarch from the throne-room walked And straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed, Bare-armed --his gleaming axe revealed --G. J.
More Quotes from Ambrose Gwinett Bierce:
FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, --recalling these awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter.Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
HEAT, n.Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know now how he's proving His point but this I know --hot words bestowed With skill will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.Crede expertum --I have seen them, child. --Gorton Swope
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.Said a man to a crapulent youth I thought You a total abstainer, my son.So I am, so I am, said the scrapgrace caught --But not, sir, a bigoted one. --G.J.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
RICHES, n.A gift from Heaven signifying, This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased. --John D. RockefellerThe reward of toil and virtue. --J.P. MorganThe sayings of many in the hands of one. --Eugene DebsTo these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of value.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its human for during the night. The next time that you take a wolf, the good man said, see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning you will find a Lutheran.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
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For myself, losing is not coming second. It's getting out of the water knowing you could have done better. For myself, I have won every race I've been in.
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The formation of character in young people is educationally a different task from and a prior task to, the discussion of the great, difficult ethical controversies of the day.
William Bennett
Toleration is the best religion.
Victor Hugo