OUR ears had grown familiar with
“Mr. Money” and “Mr. Smith”
When, in the war’s first anxious hour,
Bellona, thy transmuting power,
That we might stem and bring to a halt
The onset of the Teuton foeman,
Turned this into a breezy salt,
And that into a bronzed yeoman.
Smith, “Captain Smith” we then did dub,
Chiozza was a naval sub;
Smith at the Press Bureau cut capers,
Leo wrote letters to the papers ;
And Smith, who had a mild renown
As an old military stager
(“Galloper” Smith of Portadown),
Was very soon promoted Major.
Although he’d shaved and bought his kit,
Chiozza had to wait a bit,
Finding his sea-legs in Whitehall ;
Meanwhile, that he might have some small
But reassuring proof that they
Looked on him in a friendly light,
The Government, on New Year’s Day,
Created him a New Year’s knight,
A knighthood’s something, for a start-
Chiozza took It in good part;
He now was Warden of the Air,
and did his duties nobly there ;
Yet still found ample time to address
The House about our celibate shirkers,
And urge that Carson should suppress
The organs of seditious workers.
For Carson now was head of the law
(A man all traitors hold in awe),
And, grateful still for days not distant.
Had brought in Smith as his assistant;
Yes, Major Smith, the battle-scarred
(Why not a khaki wig and gown?),
Now kept, conjointly, watch and ward
O’er the Law Office of the Crown.
O Bench ! O battle ! and O breeze !
O duplicate job and double fees !
O Major Smith ! O Smith, K,C. !
Right Honourable Sir F. E. !
This WBB a handful, to be sure ;
Yet brave Sir L. did not loot nervous ;
He knew that he would yet secure
Like honours for the senior service.
The last achievements of the pair
Are still too recent an affair
For me to feel obliged to speak
Of what occurred the other week,
When the pale Kaiser gasped “Wowwow!”
On seeing in his morning journal
That Leo was lieutenant now
And Smith was now lieutenant-colonel.
‘Tis plain the next reward must be
Of Smith’s vast versatility
A major-generalship or two;
grim and complex thing to view !
Like Giant Two-Heads in the fable,
Or Briareus of classic myth.
The gallant and Right Honourable
Solicitor-Major-General Smith !
Well, if this most selective war
Goes on for two or three years more,
There surely can be little doubt
Some day when the Gazette comes out
In the promotions we shall sees
And nobody will think it funnys
Field-Marshal Viscount Smith, K.G.,
And Admiral of the Fleet Lord Money,
Brothers, I shrink from dizzier flights-
Yet, as I He awake at nights,
I sometimes nurse the hope sublime
That we shall live to see the time
When, gratefully (who knows ? who knows ?)
Obsequious mankind allots a
Half hemisphere to kiss the toes
Of Emperor Smith and King Chiozza.
ENVOI.
‘TIs not for every one, I own,
To rise from Wadham to a throne ;
Besides much energy and pluck
That needs no ordinary luck,
And he, perhaps, will be pronounced
Still luckier, and still adepter,
Who, with superb resilience, bounced
From cheap statistics to a sceptre.
But still the prospect’s bright enough
For strenuous men in silk and stuff;
And Glory, good my brother scribe,
No more eludes our inky tribe ;
And though, for average humdrum men,
A crown is a beyond-belief bag,
An admiral’s pennant’s on each pen,
A marshal’s baton in each brief-bag.
(John Collings Squire)
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