Woody Allen Quotes (171 Quotes)

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

We were married by a reformed rabi in Long Island. A very reformed rabi, a Nazi.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

I learned a few things on my own since, and modified some of the things he taught me, but everything, unequivocally, that I learned about comedy writing I learned from Danny Simon,

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained.

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.

I like the film, and that's rare for me to say because I make films and I am almost invariably disappointed. When I saw ('Match Point'), I said, 'My God, it came out.' It surprised me. . . . So I am enjoying the experience because it happens so rarely for me.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I am two with nature.

Hey, don't knock masturbation It's sex with someone I love.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held

I was thrown out of N. Y. U. my freshman year. . . for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

I think crime pays. The hours are good and you travel a lot.

Now we're in the final stages. There's a lot of (due diligence) work to be done in the next 120 days, but it feels good to get everybody on board.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

The Colgate Comedy Hour.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately they rent out my room.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer not to love is to suffer to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

It's all right Kate, I understand...

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Every time I've made a movie over the years . . . there was a lot of confusion between who I am and who the character in the movie is. In this picture, there was no way anybody could make that association. The lead character (played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers) is this gorgeous, troubled, highly sensitive character. There was no way anyone could confuse me with anyone in the picture.