Steven Wright Quotes (287 Quotes)


    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

    Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

    When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

    What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious.




    The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

    Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

    I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

    Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

    I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

    The judge asked, 'What do you plead' I said, 'Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane'

    Borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back.

    Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself That's how I feel all the time.

    The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

    I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'

    I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

    It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

    You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

    When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.


    I walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and I said, 'Do you live around here often' And she said, 'You're wearing two different colored socks.' And I said, 'I know, but to me they're the same, I go by thickness.'



    For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

    I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

    If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

    Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

    After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water.

    I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes ...

    I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.


    All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

    I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out.... Now I can go 300 mph.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is I'm like that all the time.

    For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. slow glance upward.

    I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I eat it from the inside out.

    If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from.

    I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

    My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

    If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

    I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

    Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky and smile ... for a satellite picture.

    I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

    When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.


    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.


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