Steven Wright Quotes (287 Quotes)

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Why is the alphabet in that order Is it because of that song ... the guy who wrote that, wrote everything.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly, and says, 'Here, you can go'

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice.

It's a big deal for us. We have over 200 people registered. They're coming from all over the United States. We have people coming from Canada, Bermuda.

What do batteries run on.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small.

If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro,' then what is the opposite of progress.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

So what's the speed of dark.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. 'You didn't borrow this.' 'I will.'

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.

I was at this restaurant. The sign said Breakfast Anytime. So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.

I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers down.... I just have to fill in the rest.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, 'Oops ... '