Steven Wright Quotes (287 Quotes)


    There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

    Today, I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, 'Hello' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey' They said, 'Uh, I don't think so ... He's only two months old.' I said, 'I'll wait '


    My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed.... I have a Court Jester size bed.... It's red and green, has bells on it ... and the ends curl up.

    I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.


    A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

    I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

    I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

    I've wanted to do it since I was 14 years old, from watching 'The Tonight Show,' watching Johnny (Carson) and the other comedians. Something clicked in me that I wanted to be one of those guys, someone who came out and made the audience laugh.

    I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

    I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

    Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

    Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut.

    I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

    I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

    In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

    I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'compact cars....'

    My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

    I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'


    I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.


    Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.



    I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

    It didn't look like they were comfortable. Coach K and Esteban worked it in and out today, so (WIU) didn't know what was coming, so they didn't get any good swings.


    I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.


    I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.


    I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

    I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle.

    When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."


    How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.

    Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

    I have a map of the United States ... actual size. It says, 'Scale 1 mile 1 mile' I spent last summer folding it.

    I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

    The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament, and we have five games this weekend, so I figure if I can finish the game off, I can give 'em a little rest so they can go out and get the next four game

    The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

    I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

    My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.


    There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.


    A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'


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