Robert Orben Quotes (40 Quotes)



    Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

    More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

    There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

    Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.


    There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

    Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

    A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

    Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

    Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

    I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

    It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Honk Kong it's the way the egg rolls.

    Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

    Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

    In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

    Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

    Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

    Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

    Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

    To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

    Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

    If those scientists are so smart, why do they all count backward.

    With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

    What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.


    I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.


    A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

    Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

    Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

    Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

    Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

    I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

    Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

    If you can laugh together, you can work together.

    I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it -- after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

    Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

    Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

    Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

    A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.


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