Robert Benchley Quotes (49 Quotes)


    I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

    Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.


    There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.

    Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.


    Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

    It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

    A man of forty today has nothing to worry him but falling hair, inability to button the top button, failing vision, shortness of breath, a tendency of the collar to shut off all breathing, trembling of the kidneys to whatever tune the orchestra is playing, and a general sense of giddiness when the matter of rent is brought up. Forty is Life's Golden Age.


    I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

    Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

    If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.

    Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.

    Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.

    At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands.

    The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

    Then it's merrily, merrily, merrily, whoa To the old gray church they come and go, Some to be married and some to be buried And Old Robin has gone for the mail

    A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

    You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

    We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.

    A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

    A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

    There is something about saying Ok and hanging up the receiver with a bang that kids a man into feeling that he has just pulled off a big deal, even if he has only called the telephone company to find out the correct time

    Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.

    A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

    Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

    Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men.

    The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

    Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.

    After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.

    Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

    Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

    It was one of those plays in which the actors, unfortunately, enunciated very clearly.

    Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

    I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk.

    For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

    We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

    The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

    Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

    In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

    I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

    Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

    There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.


    In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

    I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

    Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

    If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

    An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.


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