Lenny Bruce Quotes (28 Quotes)

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business

Communism is like one big phone company.

There are never enough I Love You's.

Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as descended from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary but you and I know what a Jew is -- One Who Killed Our Lord. And although there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, it seems that those who neither have the actions nor the gait of Christians, pagan or not, will bust us out, unrelenting dues, for another deuce.

Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an ''act'' and he told the audience, ''This is my act.'' Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do....

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.

The whole motivation for any performer is Look at me, Ma

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

beautiful mama with the long red hair.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

The reason I'm in this business, I assume all performers are -- it's ''Look at me, Ma'' It's acceptance, you know -- ''Look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma.'' And if your mother watches, you'll show off till you're exhausted but if your mother goes, Ptshew.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is ''what should be.'' Now, if you're taught to live up to a ''what should be'' that never existed -- only an occult superstition, no proof of this ''should be'' -- then you can sit on a jury and indict easily, you can cast the first stone, you can burn Adolf Eichmann, like that

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.