Jon Stewart Quotes (82 Quotes)

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

As I was watching Dave talking about Johnny Carson, the way he feels about Carson is the way we, the comedians of our generation, feel about him,

Tucker, not enjoying the lecture, suggested, You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think. ... You need to go to one.

If you want to compare your show to a comedy show, you're more than welcome to ... You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted Bingo counted as a yea or a nay.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.

I already miss him. At 42, you don't get the opportunity to be tickled a lot.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

We were worried sick, ... We thought you had SARS. We thought to ourselves, get out the masks.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything,

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.

Hey, wait a minute-aren't there any Senators fans here

Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. And it's easy to make fun of an incident like this. Very easy. But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize enough Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted. It's just not worth it.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

IN THE SIX-AND-A-HALF YEARS since he took over The Daily Show, ... The Late Late Show.

You're dealing with a show where the lead character is making the irritating and uncomfortable choice,

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records

And so I appreciate that, and I thank you for it. And I hope that your colleagues let you still eat at the lunch table.

All of the delegates gave up their time to travel with her to show the world the creative face of Canada through performance, discussions and interviews in the host countries,

Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be Irish-smart.

Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. One difference, and I'll say this, the only difference is this That tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina. That is the only difference.

When I said that I wanted to put together a writing staff that would only be 80 percent Ivy League-educated Jews, they said it couldn't be done,

The Oscars is really, I guess, the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.

I have some sad news to report, Bjork could not be here tonight -- she was trying on her Oscar dress, and Dick Cheney shot her.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the '90s as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association,

Don't worry, ... as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

A boy child, I feel like I'll know how to deal with it if he has a problem. I'll just be able to say to him, 'Well, repress it,' and he will hopefully swallow that, as I have. And then you figure you have 30 years before it comes out over dinner where somebody spills the gravy and then you're like, 'I hate you'

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just -- the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.

As a performer, I'm truly honored to be hosting the show. Although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars, I can't help but be a little disappointed with the choice. It appears to be another sad attempt to smoke out Billy Crystal.

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally -- and many internationally -- for their wide-ranging achievements.

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.