Johnny Carson Quotes (27 Quotes)

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say Storms suck

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Do You Wanna Dance.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, 'It was all right but I liked the book better.'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.