The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.
The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.
My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.
Speech-making is exactly like childbirth. You are so glad to get it over with.
In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
One of my chief regrets during my years in the theater is that I could not sit in the audience and watch me.
If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
He neither drank, smoked, nor rode a bicycle. Living frugally, saving his money, he died early, surrounded by greedy relatives. It was a great lesson to me.
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.
You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float.
The good die young, because they see it's no use living if you have got to be good.
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.
My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.
My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.
I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.
© 2020 Inspirational Stories
© 2020 Inspirational Stories