Jimmy Kimmel Quotes (14 Quotes)

Almost every week, someone's mad at me.

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

I'm feeling fine. I have my medication, and my energy's good. I only get unusual ailments.

I have like fifteen televisions in my house.

What I said about Pistons fans during halftime was a joke, nothing more. If I offended anyone, I'm sorry. Clearly, over the past 10 years, we in L.A. have taken a commanding lead in post-game riots. If the Lakers win, I plan to overturn my own car.

Adam doesn't need a partner, ... The guy is just funny. He has a strong opinion on almost every topic. You can ask him about Sea-Monkeys or shoelaces and he has a strong opinion. And when he gets going, you're just a bystander.

I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.

Don't be fooled by the dumb blonde routine. This woman is as smart as a rock.

I don't know if we can call ourselves everyday Joes. I think Supermen is more appropriate. We're just trying to take back the medium we invented

I only get unusual ailments.

Oh, great, ... Three people beating me up. Maybe it isn't such a great idea.

I'm a terrible golfer.