Jerry Seinfeld Quotes (35 Quotes)


    According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

    A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

    My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

    Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

    Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.


    Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

    Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's notto be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably happy birthday No such thing.

    There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

    But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.

    Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

    The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

    We were somewhat unsupervised. The audience was there and the network is not going to complain if everyone's liking the show.

    The article said that since the Upper West Side lost Charivari (an expensive clothing retailer) and the China Club (a nightspot), it's equivalent to 'a mall in Iowa,'

    The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

    I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

    The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

    To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

    It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

    That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

    I became aware of autism through some friends who are dealing with it and it is heartbreaking. I wanted to do something to help address this problem and decided to do a show to raise funds for research. I was very impressed with the great work of Autism Speaks. I am happy to join forces with them and Bob and Suzanne Wright to help raise awareness of this prevalent issue.

    I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

    I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

    It really was written and geared for a very specific audience, but our comedic strength trumps all of that. The subject matter, the dialogue, the tone isn't right for most of America.

    The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.

    Magazines are another medium I love, because 95 is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space'

    People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

    The show had an intense comedic energy that you do not find on other shows. There's an intense comedic scene happening all the time, and that's the way we tried to make them, really packed, tight, strong and that just holds the audience.

    Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

    stinking from smoked salmon and covered in grass stains from playing in the park, (they) are not going away.

    The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

    There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

    You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

    A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

    Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

    Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later it's a relic,


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