According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. (Jerry Seinfeld)
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. (Jerry Seinfeld)
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. (Jerry Seinfeld)
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. (Jerry Seinfeld)
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. (Jerry Seinfeld)
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. (Jerry Seinfeld)
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's notto be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably happy birthday No such thing. (Jerry Seinfeld)
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. (Jerry Seinfeld)
But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well. (Jerry Seinfeld)
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. (Jerry Seinfeld)
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. (Jerry Seinfeld)
We were somewhat unsupervised. The audience was there and the network is not going to complain if everyone's liking the show. (Jerry Seinfeld)
The article said that since the Upper West Side lost Charivari (an expensive clothing retailer) and the China Club (a nightspot), it's equivalent to 'a mall in Iowa,' (Jerry Seinfeld)
The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be. (Jerry Seinfeld)
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. (Jerry Seinfeld)