Henny Youngman Quotes (54 Quotes)

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Take my wife... Please!

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.