Groucho Marx Quotes (136 Quotes)

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Home is where you hang your head.

Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Blood's not thicker than money.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Chandler announces that he is sailing for Uruguay. Spaulding delivers a memorable pun 'Well, you go Uruguay and I'll go mine.'

Firefly Where is your husband Mrs. Teasdale Why, he's dead. Firefly I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale I was with him to the very end. Firefly Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

I wasn't kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Chicolini My dog believe me, he's some smart dog. You know he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole. Firefly I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty 'The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.' Firefly replies 'Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.'

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.