Fred Allen Quotes (67 Quotes)


    I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

    I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

    I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

    I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

    A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.


    A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

    A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

    Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

    I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

    Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

    The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

    An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

    My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

    During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

    California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

    An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

    Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

    The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

    If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard let him worry about cutting it.

    He's a fine fellow. I've known him a long time. I say they'll never catch him.

    After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.

    The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

    Batten, Barton, Durstine Osborne sounds like a trunk falling down a flight of stairs.

    Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

    I had to come out one more time to take a look. I had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time out here. Our kids grew up out here.

    Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

    A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

    He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes

    An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

    Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

    Advertising is 85 confusion and 15 commission.

    California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

    A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

    When a radio comedian's program is finally finished it slinks down Memory Lane into the limbo of yesteryear's happy hours. All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

    I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

    He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

    Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

    Television is the triumph of machine over people.

    I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

    A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

    Where were you fellows when the paper was blank.

    It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

    All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

    The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

    He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down,

    We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

    The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.

    You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

    An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

    Imitation is the sincerest form of television.


    More Fred Allen Quotations (Based on Topics)


    Television - People - Performance Arts - Man - Movies - Advertising - Committees - Time - Christianity - Mind - Life - Place - Laughter - Space - Goals - Puns - Failure - Competition - Nature - View All Fred Allen Quotations

    Related Authors


    Tim Allen - Jim Carrey - David Letterman - Billy Crystal - Paul Reubens - Martin Lawrence - Lucille Ball - Frank Carson - Drew Carey - Al Yankovic


Page 1 of 2 1 2

Authors (by First Name)

A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M
N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - X - Y - Z

Other Inspiring Sections