I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. (Eddie Izzard)
Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy and the Romans thought, Relaxed and groovy No, no, no, no, no So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me It's got nothing to do with it, has it (Eddie Izzard)
And you dont get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office they have other people there, you can flirt, you know You go, Hey Oh, youre new here, arent you How are you getting on Do you want a coffee I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cupBeekeepers cant do that 2,000 bees (buzzing sounds) Hello, there, you in the street Youre new, arent you(scared) HuhDo you want a cup of coffee Its no problem (buzzing continues) No real problemI dont want a cup of coffee from you Youre covered in beesI like my women like I like my coffee covered in bees Now back off, back off (screams)Theyre always just behind you or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and theyre in a van with a lot of bees following, Faster Faster (buzzing sounds) Faster Put your foot down(sighs) Yes (Eddie Izzard)
Tea and cake or death...students with beards 'tea and cake or death, tea and cake or death...little red cookbook, little red cookbook.' (Eddie Izzard)
Theres a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didnt say, I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out d (Eddie Izzard)
Because that's what narcissism is all about looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.' (Eddie Izzard)
He was a genius. To think all these years on his comedy is still making us laugh (Eddie Izzard)
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic. (Eddie Izzard)
And the National Rifle Association says that, Guns don't kill people, people do, but I think the gun helps, you know I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, Bang That's not going to kill too many people, is it You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that (Eddie Izzard)
PiAno,piAno'It's not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person. (Eddie Izzard)
It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. Thats Renaissance, FRENCH for re-birth. Re-nais-sance. And thats why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of FrItaly. (Eddie Izzard)
But puberty was well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know (Eddie Izzard)
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. (Eddie Izzard)
Its a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, What- what happened What did they do What do they do here And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5 7, 8, you know A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope (Eddie Izzard)