Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. (Demetri Martin)
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. (Demetri Martin)
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. (Demetri Martin)
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' (Demetri Martin)
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. (Demetri Martin)
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. (Demetri Martin)
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' (Demetri Martin)
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. (Demetri Martin)
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. (Demetri Martin)
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. (Demetri Martin)
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. (Demetri Martin)
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. (Demetri Martin)
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. (Demetri Martin)
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. (Demetri Martin)
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. (Demetri Martin)