Any company executive who overcharges the government more than 5 million will be fined 50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week (Art Buchwald)
Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. (Art Buchwald)
Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was. (Art Buchwald)
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. (Art Buchwald)
People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him. (Art Buchwald)
A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it. (Art Buchwald)
Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, 'I am not a crook.' Jimmy Carter says, 'I have lusted after women in my heart.' President Reagan says, 'I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope. (Art Buchwald)
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water. (Art Buchwald)
This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security. (Art Buchwald)
The best things in life aren't things. (Art Buchwald)
Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before. (Art Buchwald)
If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it. (Art Buchwald)
I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team. (Art Buchwald)
So far things are going my way. I am known in the hospice as The Man Who Wouldn't Die. I don't know if this is true or not, but I think some people, not many, are starting to wonder why I'm still around. (Art Buchwald)
I worship the quicksand he walks in. (Art Buchwald)